i never really thought about leaving home as much as i did these past couple weeks. i always thought leaving will be like expanding my knowledge, being independent and smarter. i believed that i needed that more than ever. i depised being coddled and treated like a child by my grandmother. but as i began packing, i had to stop ever so often. i had to stop because i was so choked up with the old memories i’m taking down. i couldn’t stop crying. every picture was like another 5 miles apart from home. i thought i hated being coddled but i loved it. i loved it because that’s the whole reason my grandma is in america, to love me, to look after me, to make sure i’m as healthy and happy as one could give. she was what an ikea christmas catalog wants every one of their customers to feel like. she’s a warm cup of tea after a long shitty day followed by a good night sleep in a hand-knit quilt. she was what college won’t give me or anyone else. she was home and god, i feel so fucking shitty. i realized how selfish i was. i’m moving 3 hours away from my home and for many of my friends, they couldn’t wait. if i had it my way, time’s only up when i’ve given my 70 year old grandmother the same love she’s given me while i was growing up. i couldn’t stop crying because she also needed me as much as i did. who’s going to drive her around and bitch about how anal she is about room tidiness when i’m gone? i told her i loved her one day after she washed my sheets for me to pack and she replied, “you don’t love me! you’re leaving 3 hours away!” it was a choked chuckle but that broke me down. it was true, i feel like i don’t love her enough to consider how bad leaving was going to be. i am the luckiest person in the world, i feel so, so fortunate to have her by my side. i’m ready to grow up but growing up with guilt in my heart is one thing i wasn’t ready for. my guilt that she’s going to be lonely and neglected when i’m gone. i hope my 11 year old baby sister will keep her busy. she is growing up and moving into a different room and learning to sleep alone. i knew she’s growing up because she told me everything’s going to be fine and let me nap on her usual couch after i got out of wisdom teeth surgery today. i couldn’t be more proud of her because she’s going to grow into something special one day. so intelligent, so witty, so beautiful, she’s going to make it through this world of middle school just fine. but if i had my way with time, i will turn it back and go through the gruesome senior year again just to change my college decision. i will experience a car accident and lupus flare up all over again. i love the school i’m going in a week but for my family, i’ll do anything to be by their side. i’m about five months too late now and sometimes i hope that if i cried hard enough; with enough sincerity, we both won’t be as sad when the time comes.
What are you at nineteen? You’re a blank page. You’re all hopes and dreams and uncertainties. You’re all future and little philosophy.Yann Martel, “The Facts Behind the Helsinki Roccamatios” (via malofamerica)